Friday, January 13, 2012

Im sorry this is so long. Im not sorry.

So, dear blog and whoever pays attention to this, I seemingly have been too busy to post anything. I spent this past week actually writing things down. With a pen and on paper. And I havent done that in a while. It was nice. Its always more expressive. and I miss that. maybe I should do that more often. ..

Anyways, I have been able to keep a bit busier this week which was much more delightful than the past week. I have looked into multiplying my plants, pepper plants, christmas cactai, and echeveria plants. I am propagating some of them, hopefully that works out. Though I am not quite sure how I am going to transport them to FL.. Ill figure that out later I guess.

I got a bunch more fabric today when I went home and saw dad. I will now make new/more curtains for my room as I am getting better at using the sewing machine/ am paying more attention to what I am doing. #Winning. I will also be making clothing for mice as Kevin has thrown the gauntlet and I have yet to return a punch! I dont even know what we will do with this clothing... what am I doing with my life.

Do people even care?
I wonder.
I wonder what people think after having read into my life. thoughts. I dont want to see their faces.
I need to bind my divorce book.
Jaws dropped when readers read that.
Thats life though.

anyways, The neighbors next door have a friend boarding for a bit, til the end of january. He's from WV and is travelling and I guess figuring out where he wants to be to be making his music. It's actually pretty good. I have gone to a few open mic nights here in the N.Shore with him. It's nice getting out of the house and actually interacting with people... but it's weird because they are not the kind of people that I am used to. I think they are called  Noor-Mahl? (normal) whatever. I have learned that I dont think I really know how to have a serious and real conversation with somebody, anybody anymore, because the people that I am around all the time are on the same wave lengths as me, I? Its been too long.

mais, Je veux parler en francais beaucoup de la temps.

Oh, but back to open mic nights, those are nice, but i would really like to hit up some basement shows. Babetown was awesome on halloween, wish I coulda gone new years. I just want to meet a lot of people, blow off steam, get excited, live. listen to rad music, have fun, see things that I didn't expect, and just let things happen. let happiness run its own damn course through my life.

Joe was just in TX for an astronomy presentation gathering. It looked really nice from the pictures I saw. He said he'd call after he got back. My phone sais the time is 0:00. midnight on the dot. He flew back thursday I think. said he'd call over the weekend.

I dont know what I'm doing in my life.

and I feel like the next year will be such an insignificant amount of time, a blip on the radar of my life. but I also cant help feeling that being apart is the biggest mistake or regret that I will have ever experienced in my life. And after all is said and done, everything that will have happened will have been worth it.

I read once, and now say all the time: "Never regret anything, because at one time or another, it was worth it."

... I dont know how true this is. But I will continue to believe it.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

In the Future

When I get out of school I want to be with my future husband.
And I want the future to be close to me.
And I want to start a family in a small town with more trees than there are streetlights or parking spots and lots.
I want to spend my days decorating the house and making snacks of many varieties.
I want to crochet huge blankets and make Afghans for my new family to be passed from generations to the next.
And I want to have a bundle of kids.
And I want them to learn everything and anything that they want to learn.
I want them to think about things and to make things. and to be happy. I want them to be happy.
And I want them to work for things. I dont want them to expect anyone to give them anything. I want them to learn on their own how hard life can be and that they can change anything.
I want to love someone and be happy.
To be surrounded by nature and smiles and sounds of laughter and music and dogs thumping their happy tails on the porch waiting for the ball to be thrown...
These are things that I want in life.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Fact is...

On Valentine's day in high school all I ever wanted was a bunch of Roses sent to me at school from a boy I liked.

I went to an all girls school.

I always wanted to feel special, like the girls who got roses from their boyfriends, who went to other schools.


At times I am quite fond of the Idea of moving to Florida.
But then I think of you.
I really want to go and I need to do this I think, for myself. This has to happen and I know that it will be good for me. I am really excited to go. and to not be cold again.

I need to make more art.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Things I miss that remind me of you...

Watching Endless Episodes of TV shows like Breaking Bad and Teen Mom
Stupid inside jokes, like olives. and how they are gross..
And little sayings that would make people puke in their mouth about, like on little signs in little places that say "We may not have it all together, But together we have it all."
Leaving your house in the late hours of the night and you would teach me stars and constellations. Like Arcturus. I always try to find it. and Orions belt. I'm bad at this game without you.

This is something many angsty a child would post on tumblr.
But i love you. 

We are so perfect together. I hate being apart. I hate hate hate it.
If you really didnt want me to leave to FL I wouldnt.
I guess thats what I meant by you giving up. You just agreed with what I decided was best for me. You didnt argue. you're just letting me go is ultimately how my brain sees it, though I know you love me.
Maybe I just have some fairytale story in my head that will have you put me first over everything else in your life and forget any consequences because we will be together, so it will be okay.
I dont hate you. I just dont understand.
I get mad. I do, but for every angry word there are thousands of emotions longing for requited love.
I lash out with irrational words.
But really.. I just want you to hold me and never let me go...

I love you. This is not an attack. This is not pointing fingers.
I just want a coffee.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


I probably have the best dad ever.
Maybe not from Moms perspective.
But he is always there and able to help.
If he cant he figures out a way.
He always makes sure we know that he is there.
He can always tell me how to get home.
He is always trying to fuel our creativeness (though i think unintentionally, its just his nature).
Dad is just always there. and always supportive.
I love my dad.